My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
