im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
