Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am available for nakedness
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
