The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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