I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
where are my eyebrows?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
