It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
