My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
