Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
