dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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