Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
