I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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