You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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