I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for