a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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