I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
