He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
