i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
