Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
