Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
