turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
We smell like vodka and hangover
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