she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
