I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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