I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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