Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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