Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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