I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
