A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
