I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
