Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
