can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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