My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
