I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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