let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
