my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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