when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
