Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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