don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
