the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
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did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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