I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
