You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
