woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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