So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
