I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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