I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
