she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
