I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
