I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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