just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
