like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
