You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
